am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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