Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
