i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
