So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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