It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
