3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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