Porn is love you can see.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
