Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
