What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize