I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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