You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
