why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
