I am puke
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
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he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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