As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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