There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
