Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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