just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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