im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Randomize
