If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
