Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
