I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
