You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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