Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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