Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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