First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
