I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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