I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think your dad took our porno
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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