we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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