im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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