you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
