the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
