is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
