thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
