Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have already put on my inside pants.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
