So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
