last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.