I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING