i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real