dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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