you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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