and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
