if you like me you must not know who I am
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
