he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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