I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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