I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
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Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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