i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
