I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
