I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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