He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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