Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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