STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
