her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
