i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
