Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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