I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
