You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
