gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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