Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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