Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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