The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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