I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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