just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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