So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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