i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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