I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
