jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
