hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
