the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
