I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
